It's a WRITER'S LIFE

Doing it better this time

2012-02-22T02:37:30Z

and a little early, since I'll be at work till late tomorrow. Not sure if I can check-in for ROW80 this early but I'll give it a go.

I did get a chapter and a half written on Sunday but they were a little short so together I'll call them one. That's my goal for the week. I'm going to spend the next couple hours writing another chapter so I'll be ahead of the game.

But I also want to set a few other goals as well for the week:

getting on the treadmill or walking for at least 15 minutes a day.
do something everyday to keep myself positive/inspired/motivated to better my life
tackle at least one box everyday towards getting everything unpacked from my move
save money from every paycheck
reduce my debt
keep my head on straight regarding the new beau
read 5 - 10 check-ins twice a week

And to that end, I spent the day moving a trailer load of things from my cousin into my place and getting some of it organized. Feeling a twinge in my back so I'll need to see the chiropractor soon. But I spent the day with the new beau. Had to use his truck/trailer/strong arms to get all the stuff moved. (Not ready to call him a "boyfriend" yet.)

We enjoyed a pleasant conversation and only experienced a moment of not-so-awkward silence. Which, in and of itself, is amazing. Small talk is excrutiating for me. I prefer meaningful deep conversations or nothing at all. Todays conversation was deeper than superficial and comfortable since we are still getting to know each other (fifth date if you want to call it that.)

His texting after we parted company was very flattering. I feel joyful in his company. He gets my humor and I his. He says I have a healing power for him. We both feel so much younger in each others company.

Usually, for me, a relationship tends to get rushed - by myself or most often, by my partner. We're taking things extremely slow. I have to remind myself constantly not to rush things. We've both been burned many times and we're both nervous. But I'm rather enjoying taking things slow.

And I've also made a conscious decision to stay positive. No more delving into the miserable pain of the past, at least not for awhile. In due time.

And he's interested in my writing.

Yeah!

He reads a lot so I'm sure it's not an obligatory thing.

It makes me feel inspired to write.

So that's what I'm gonna do now.

Check-in done. Off to write.

TTFN.

Happy Writing.

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall... and not a drop to drink

2012-02-19T17:38:21Z

this is how my mind works these days.

Many years ago, I had an accident at work where the original diagnosis was a fractured jaw but the damages were a little more extensive and undiagnosed: a brain stem injury. At the time, I started combining words and cliches. Some of the funniest stuff came out of my mouth. But it wasn't really funny to me. I had spent my life consumed with speaking proper English (thus I now have great difficulty writing authentic dialog or slang in my fiction). Growing up in Southwestern Pennsylvania, about the only slang I used was "pop" for soda. After moving to the South and realizing all sodas were called Coke ("what kind of coke do you have?"), I began calling it soda.

So my injury really infuriated me, especially since no one in the medical field would take me seriously. I mean, a brain stem injury affecting speech? To this day, I still spit out odd words and cliches such as dead as molasses (dead as a doornail/slow as molasses). Most of the time, I hope, no one catches the little word slip-ups but I get the strangest looks when they're cliches, like the one above.

I've come across a new tool, thanks to Kelly L. Stone, author of Time To Write, called Mirror Gazing. You stare into a mirror, or in my case, a crystal ball, until images start to emerge and begin showing you what you need to know. This week I came up with a new plot twist for my current WIP. A simple enough twist where my MC ends up dating the man who wants her dead, but without gazing into my crystal ball, I would not have thought about that simple plot (at least not any time soon).

...and no, I've not been drinking. For the reasons stated above, the "and not a drop to drink" in my mind is the next logical phrase after "mirror, mirror, on the wall."

Welcome to my world.

But as it stands, yesterday I did it again. An accident at work where I was struggling to remove a very large shelf from the wall. It came out and popped me in the jaw. It popped my head back and jarred my neck so badly I felt it as far down as the sciatic nerve in my leg and the nerve running down my left arm, not to mention shifting my jaw and messing up the TMJ. Luckily, it should take a visit or two to the chiropractor to fix. The swelling has already come down and is barely visible as is the bruise on my chin. These are the facts. I'm not in pain, just a little discomfort. My manager called it in, just to be on the safe side but I refused medical treatment (a trip to the ER), returned to work after holding ice on my chin for 20 minutes or so and continued with my day as though nothing really happened.

I've been accused of exaggerating things to gain attention in my personal life. It's something I definitely do in my creative/writing life but I don't necessarily believe I do that in my personal life. But then again, I am biased. I tend to downplay what's going on in my personal life except when I'm in one of my extreme manic/depressive states and then only with close friends (and in my own mind, too, I guess.) But isn't that what it's like for most of us creative types?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Maybe I'm really not normal. Maybe that's where I over-exaggerate; that I think I'm normal as I'm bouncing from one extreme to another. If this isn't normal than I don't want to be normal. I'm much more closer to a middle range than the extremes I experienced when I was younger. (Some may argue with that but let me assure you, I really was much more extreme years ago.) It's easier to deal with now that the edges are softer.

But when writing fiction, you have to delve into the extremes, the worst possible scenario, so to speak, or your fiction is lackluster and boring. What is the worst thing that could happen to your characters? Conflict. What's the best outcome? Satisfied ending.

This WIP, is difficult for me for a number of reason. One being that I haven't used myself as the MC, I have a hard time getting into her head. She is a blond, popular girl, loved by her family, a business owner, college graduate, widowed with a four year old son. I am a dark haired, introverted black-sheep of the family, college drop-out, single woman with no children. The only thing we have in common is that we're women. It's a start, right? Somehow, I need to put myself in her shoes whereas I usually base my characters on some aspect of myself. I guess, I myself need to grow, right along with my characters.

A couple things I've noticed this week. Allowing myself to write one chapter a week which usually takes me about four hours on one day off of work, I'm allowing myself to cultivate ideas. While writing my script, I wanted to write everyday but would have writers block for days, weeks or months at a time. It took some kind of event, whether large or small, to happen to kick-start my writing again. One such incident was a day that I was relaxing in the hot tub out side overlooking a magnificent view. My thought was "I need to put a hot tub in my script." Next thing I knew, I was off and running. Finished the script within two months of that thought. So instead of getting frustrated over not writing every day as most of the writing guru's suggest, I give the material time to work itself out in my brain.

I'm always a writer. I'm always thinking about writing, thinking about one project or another or coming up with new ideas. When I sit down to write, I review the last few pages or the entire project and then just continue. I've tried every form of writing, from writing everyday, a specific number of words, to a weekly word count goal, to writing when the muse strikes. This seems to be the best way for me. A weekly goal of one chapter is enough to keep me interested in the project and enough time for the muse to strike. This works for me for this project. Next project, next month, next idea may and probably will be a different pace.

The other thing I've noticed recently is that things seem to be much clearer to me. As I've mentioned in my last Blog, I've been watching the entire series of Babylon 5. Usually I just watch it. This time though I'm picking up all the little details that I've missed. The underlying messages are quite clear. (They really need to aire B5 again during this election year and economic downturn. Hopefully someone would at least unconsciously get the message and do something different.) But it's not just B5. I'm reading a book I've read several times already and the messages are coming through loud and clear, much more clearer than ever before. It seems as though my mind was muddied before and now I'm thinking clearly. But it's helping in my personal life and in my writing.

My belief in the whole 2012 thing is that we human beings are about to take a huge evolutionary step ahead. Maybe this clear-headedness is a step in that direction. Or maybe I'm just getting old. Clear-headedness before I start forgetting everything.

So, I guess, it's time to get at it. I hope to get at least one chapter written today if not two. Did get my chapter written last week and I'm pleased with how things are shaping up.

I'm starting ROW80 in the middle of a cycle to get in practice for the next cycle. So I welcome my new ROW80 friends and look forward to getting to know you.

May the Muse be with you.....

Welcome to 2012

2012-02-12T19:29:02Z

The New Year has been strange for me. I feel as though i'm in the aftermath of a depression, which is different. In the past, I've either been in a depression or out of it. I feel pretty good but aware that the holiday depression I suffered could so easily overtake me again. Awareness is good, I guess. I'm looking at the world differently.

I'm reading self-help books again, though I realize that many of them are only a bandage on the problem, it seems to stop the blood flow. I'm reading one now called The Seven Wonders that Will Change Your Life by Glenn Beck. But this one has me taking action, at least journaling about the wonders. I've had many insights into my past that seem to stay with me.

Since I'm a miserable failure in therapy, journaling seems the next best thing-when I do it and when i don't focus on the crap. Writing about the crap is one thing. Delving into it at the expense of my life is another.

I've had a few moments when the crap overtakes me still but they're fewer and far between. I've changed many things in my life, one being that I give myself permission to not write. It seems that these days, I can only write when I make an appointment with another writer to meet and actually write. I'm writing a chapter a week on my newest project, though this project is the most daunting I've ever undertaken.

A 17 book project - a mystery series - that I plan to pitch to an agent once the first book is complete. I'm four chapters in so at a chapter a week, that should take me about 30 weeks, plus a month or two to edit, I should send it off just before NaNo this year and start the next one.

In the meanwhile, I'll commit myself to ScriptFrenzy and the SumNoWriCha (maybe I'll get it done faster if I work on this for the Challenge). I'm actually dreaming about this WIP and getting more inspiration. This piece seems to have taken off when I realized I needed more back story, more character description and that I had a 17 year arc to focus on. For some reason, it was stuck in my head that the characters would remain the same age throughout the 17 year arc. Foolish me. When I realized all that could happen in 17 years, and everything that happened to my characters before the start of the series, the muse started to flow through me.

I must learn to get out of my own way.

But writing a chapter a week seems to be a good pace for me right now. My job hasn't changed - yet. My supervisor still wants to promote me but I'd rather get the h*ll out of retail. So instead of beating myself up over not having the energy at the end of the day to write, I'm doing things that energize me and renew my soul and spirit. One of those things, believe it or not, is watching the entire B5 series from start to finish.

I'm completely amazed and in awe of what J. Michael Straczynsk did with this show. It was the 5 year arc that made me realize my own 17 year arc. All the details that built one upon another in this series that initially only seemed like minor details just blows me away. When I initially watched the show, I started somewhere in Season 2 and then proceeded to miss as many episodes that I watched. And over the years, I just watched them as I acquired them on DVD. This is the first time I've seen them from the Pilot through to the end. I'm watching all the special features and Joe talks a lot about the writing process. And since I was first introduced to the B5 world when Joe wrote for Writer's Digest about ten or more years before it ever hit the air, I'm learning oh-so-much about the process.

And all the spiritual messages thrown into a sci-fi series just tickles me to death. If someone wanted to know my spiritual beliefs, I only need to point to B5. The good news is that the new guy in my life is also a B5 fan.

I know I'm not out of the woods as far as depression is concerned but I'm getting stronger each and every day. Having a major setback could easily happen but I feel I'm better equipped to handle it now.

One of the things that seem to hang me up in my writing and in life too, I guess, is the whole end of the world thing. My brother actually has 12/21/2012 in a countdown to the end of the world. I'm watching for signs just as I've done most of my adult life. As a teenager, I was indoctrinated by Nostradamus and his writings. According to what he wrote, World War III was supposed to take place when I was around 26. Then there was the whole 2000 virus thing and the guy in California thing and many others inbetween. I think these things affected me more than I thought. Not only have I been waiting for my life to start as far as a real relationship was concerned but why bother trying at all if the world's going to end?

So this year, I've made the conscious decision to do it anyway. As far as my writing is concerned, if the world ends in December or I don't survive the end of the world, I will have written the first book in my series. It will be done anyway. If the world doesn't end, then i can write book two. Simple as that. Still working on the whole real relationship thing but that's another story. (pardon the pun).

That's my life. What else can I say?

saying goodbye to 2011

2011-12-11T17:20:37Z

as we near the end of one year and look forward to another, reflection seems to be in order.

it's been the worst of times. it's been the best of times.

oh, someone said that already, but it's never been truer than for me than for this year.

reconnected with an old friend who proclaimed his love for me since he first met me nearly 25 years ago, got engaged only for him to pass away.

grew closer to some family members and grew very distant with others.

major and minor surgeries for several family members but all are doing well, for the most part.

got published for the first time ever but battled with sever writers block to the point where I'd given up writing all together. (only for a few months) lost a lot of the passion I had for writing but I'm now about to embark on a series of mysteries (11 titles so far). Praying for the Passion to return again. Once a writer, always a writer. It's in the blood. I'm lost without words. Recently had a breakthrough as far as building a foundation for believing in myself (hint: when I need to believe in myself, I just need to find something I believe in and dedicate myself to that and self-confidence follows).

been blessed repeatedly this year financially. Been able to barely keep my head above water. Focusing on the Blessings now rather than wondering where my next meal's coming from.

depression grabbed hold of me for the majority of the year but now I have a new weapon against it. I look for the payoff of the depression and realize I don't want that and snap, no more depression.

circle of friends expanded greatly then retracted quite a bit.

but as we come to the end of the year, I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and looking to improve myself and everything around me.

so here's to 2012. Best Wishes to you and yours.

Blessings.

and the winner is...

2011-12-01T01:43:04Z

It's that time again....

2011-10-25T00:59:15Z

...and once again my world has turned upside down just in time for NANOWRIMO.

And this year I haven't a clue what I'm gonig to write about. We have roughly 10 days before the start of NaNo and my head is spinning.

Step Dad lost his finger and has been out of work now nearly 3 months.

Mom had open heart surgery (recovering nicely, slowly, but nicely).

Fiance passed away recently. Luckily wedding plans were cancelled long before his passing.

Kitty-sat for three weeks and drove nearly an hour back and forth to work (really love the normal 6 mile commute to work).

Went to Chicago for several weeks for the J.O.B. - worked 17 hour shifts with only one meal break. Being diabetic, that nearly landed me in the hospital. Got many kudos for the best team/best job in the entire district. (Of course, none of the other teams pulled 17 hour shifts.)

Fought with roommate the week I returned from Chicago. Got so bad that I feared for my safety. Took and emergency vacation day from work to look for a new place. Found it and moved out the next day. Still unpacking. No more roommates!!!

Now it's an 11 mile commute.

Haven't found the computer yet. Got to get that set up before Kick-Off.

Going to be another fun-filled whirl-wind NaNo.

So looking forward to it.

Let's make it official:

"About Me"

2011-07-31T00:15:51Z

Writing "about me," here's the thing,
we think it has a majestic ring,
to keep it short and to the point,
and not wanting to disappoint.
Husband. Father. Writer. Poet.
He left out one thing and didn't know it.
Maybe that's his way of being safe,
of never hurting or being chafed,
to keep his distance and hide behind,
an excuse that keeps him blind,
no need to be held accountable,
when obstacles are insurmountable,
what is that one word he didn't mention,
the one he comes by with such apprehension?
FRIEND.

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

fragile

2011-07-31T00:08:47Z

They call me fragile.
Don't really understand why.
Born at 3 pounds, 4 ounces,
and this li'l' cuss fought to survive;
left the hospital 45 days later;
hadn't even heard from my Mum, a lullaby,

I've lived through abuse, rape and neglect,
kept the secret when I was molested
by two different men. Beaten by Mum.
Abandoned by Dad. Real father contested.
Many relationship ruined; friends and lovers alike,
and even came really close once to being arrested.

Too often I find myself in solitude;
spending many a day and night alone,
convincing myself that it really doesn't matter,
often wondering if someone's cut off my phone,
reaching out to others and calling old friends,
wishing someone would throw me a bone,

Fragile is just not a word
someone would use to describe oneself
most things are easy for me to handle
except for spending Christmas by myself,
or being broke at the holidays
or being broke in and of itself

Money is a trigger that sends me swirling
much too close to the eternal abyss,
everything spirals completely out of control,
when groceries don't get bought and payments are missed
so when they insist that I am fragile
maybe it's just me who is amiss,

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

time to let go

2011-07-30T23:53:41Z

it just angers you further
when your mean and hateful words
no longer bother me

but you say things that you'll wish
you could take back,
the deed is done

and though I'll always love you
and I've forgiven you already
the trust is gone

I'm not a yo-yo you can throw out
and expect to come back
when you're no longer angry

I hope you can forgive yourself
for losing the "love of your life"
before the end

it's time to let go

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

old and new

2011-07-30T23:46:46Z

I'm about to start a brand new life,
but yet I'm the same old me,
if I'm about to start everything anew
I must find a lot of integrity,

confrontation, I fight hard to avoid,
and I try really hard not to hurt those I love,
I used to pride myself on brutal honesty
but now that seems to be what I'm most afraid of,

it's now time to be completely honest - with me,
no more half truths, and no more hiding,
and all my justifications are out of the question,
no more struggling and no more fighting,

for it's me I must face in the mirror every day,
to live with myself till I'm old and gray,
it's judgement of myself to which I will dearly pay,
and meaning for my life, only I ultimately have a say.

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

first day of summer

2011-07-30T23:32:34Z

first day of summer
and crazy hot
especially when
works, the AC does not,

tempers flare,
words are said,
and we wish
we were dead,

feelings are hurt,
relationships end,
it's all difficult
to comprehend,

it's time again
to stand tall,
and pretend that it doesn't
matter at all,

regrets are all
a part of life,
so is anger, joy,
fear and strife,

when all we do
is fuss and fight
it's time to say adieu
and head off into the night,

goodbye my friend,
goodbye my lover,
fear not, for I,
shall always recover.

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

capital self-punishment

2011-07-30T23:24:50Z

Deeply
Emotional
Prayer
Request
Expressed
Simply,
Sincerely
In hopes
Of getting
Noticed
& instead make a
Stone of my heart
Under all the pressure,
Insides that want to explode
Since things only seem to get worse
Instead of getting better while
Darkness overtakes me and I just want it all to
End.

computer...er, user, disfunction

2011-07-30T23:18:00Z

big black five hunderd dollar MP3 player
turned paperweight
when the cost of fixing my computer
grows higher than the original price,
lost files and downloads and
eighteen months of writing, and more,
stuck on a hard drive with a useless
motherboard,
it's enough to send me overboard;
nuts, crazy, insane and my cheese
slowly slides off my cracker
and makes me want to throw
the damn thing off a cliff

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

ideas

2011-07-30T22:55:47Z

from where do ideas come?
I know, the brain, you may say,
or the mind, but it wasn't there
yesterday,
or even a moment earlier,
do they come from God,
a Higher Power, Universal Consciousness?
or is it just gray matter
coming together in new and unique ways?
I know I wasn't that smart,
or creative, or thoughtful
in all my many previous days,
to add a thought, one to another,
and build upon all that came before,
if only I had these ideas so long ago,
my own ignorance, I may have cured.

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

silent cell

2011-07-28T08:03:37Z

my cell sits strangely quiet these days
it doesn't beep, or ring, or even sing,
I often wonder if it will be today,
from you, a message, my cell will bring,

a best friend you said, I probably was,
or the closest thing to one, I would be,
hateful words isn't what a best friend does,
and pushing me away seemed so easy,

maybe I didn't deserve a best friend,
if I took you for granted, I apologize,
maybe you're far better off in the end,
no more secrets, and no more lies,

I'm writing again, a few words a day,
I would text you to share the news,
if it makes you happy, it's hard to say,
a writer must always pay her dues,

a writer is a writer, is always a writer,
even when she takes a much needed break,
when she feels the words are trying to fight her,
and she shouldn't feel like it's a big mistake,

this thing, I'm unsure that we can mend,
the trust has surely broken down,
but I miss the one I called my friend,
as my cell sits not making a sound.

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

Half way through 2011 and changes, changes everywhere...

2011-07-03T23:49:05Z

Began the New Year in a relationship where we dabbled with the idea of marriage only to have it end abruptly.

Another friendship ended abruptly.

I've taken a sabbatical from writing, for the most part, even though poetry seems to pouring forth every free moment I have.

And free moments are scarce right now.

Spent the last week and a half moving all my things from one place to another, in between being nanny to two fabulous 8 year old twin girls (believe that?).

Financial responsibilities have been dramatically decreased and looking forward to getting out of debt, improving my credit, having a reliable car, traveling and setting a goal for purchasing my own house in the next 3 - 5 years.

Ended another friendship when she just couldn't avoid one particular taboo subject.

Feeling an overwhelming urge to draw and paint - once I get everything unpacked and moved into the new place.

Decided that being single is not the end of the world and probably preferable at this stage in my life.

And going for a job interview next week.

Even thinking about going back to school.

And I'm actually feeling rather great.

And getting a tan.

My new place has a community pool and the girls like to swim. Yeah!!! Spent four days in the water already. And the community has been very warm and welcoming.

And my brain seems to be producing adrenaline or something.Thoughts of submitting my writing seem to be swirling around in my brain. A lot. Once the Muse kicks in again, I think I'm gonna be busy. I can hear her knocking around in my head. Maybe she's as disoriented as I am right now. Watch out when she straightens up and decides to fly right. I think I'll be on fire.

Right now, it's just nice to not be badgering myself about writing and then beat myself up when I don't. I started a new journal the second official day I was in my new place. Day One I had to go back to work after taking a weeks vacation to move.

Despite the J.O.B., I feel like a new person and I look forward to what the day has to offer. Depression doesn't seem to be lurking around every corner anymore. Life's looking up. And believe it or not, I'm happy.

wedding bell blues

2011-07-03T23:09:45Z

mixed messages

2011-07-03T23:05:21Z

you crossed my mind today,
it left me without words to say,
in that moment I missed you,
and wondered if you missed me too,
I really thought we were friends,
it came as such a shock in the end,
but I knew a long time ago,
a Christmas Party invite would never show,
you walked a fine line and never crossed,
I'm sure pressure on you came at a high cost,
I shouldn't have been so surprised,
maybe this is a blessing in disguise,
you need not worry, I will survive,
in question, is whether I will thrive,
I just need some quiet time to reflect,
to withdraw and disconnect,
it's all now water under the bridge,
the expanding gorge hard to abridge,
everything gained, now is all lost,
memories, I now need to toss,
compassion is always in short supply,
when all someone does is whine and cry,
I apologize for my part in the whole charade,
your point of view has clearly been made,
lessons learned and mistakes not to be made again,
I bid adieu to someone I thought was my friend.

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

Curse You

2011-07-03T22:39:00Z

Damn you, Mr. King,
poetry, in my ear, now rings,
poems pour forth all the time,
and now all my lines have to rhyme,
I'm sure that will make you grin,
see, you still get under my skin,

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

time will tell

2011-06-22T05:40:00Z

when I woke the other morning,
the day felt strangely rewarding,

I fought and lost a much loved friend,
and a love relationship came to an end,

both of which I thought I'd mourn forever,
but feeling free? I thought I'd never,

suddenly I had to stand on my own two feet,
no more complaining or feelings of defeat,

I'm sure my sorrows are far from an end,
and my soul just needs time to mend,

but stronger, I feel each and every day,
hard to believe, I'm sure you'll say,

only time will tell and truth will emerge,
but enable me - you will no longer feel the urge,

so thank you for all you've done and said,
your words will ring inside my head,

I wish you peace, happiness, joy and love,
and all the blessings from above,

as I'm sure you wish the same for me,
but now it's time for me to fly free,

by Shawn Ann Murray ©2011