as we near the end of one year and look forward to another, reflection seems to be in order.

it's been the worst of times. it's been the best of times.

oh, someone said that already, but it's never been truer than for me than for this year.

reconnected with an old friend who proclaimed his love for me since he first met me nearly 25 years ago, got engaged only for him to pass away.

grew closer to some family members and grew very distant with others.

major and minor surgeries for several family members but all are doing well, for the most part.

got published for the first time ever but battled with sever writers block to the point where I'd given up writing all together. (only for a few months) lost a lot of the passion I had for writing but I'm now about to embark on a series of mysteries (11 titles so far). Praying for the Passion to return again. Once a writer, always a writer. It's in the blood. I'm lost without words. Recently had a breakthrough as far as building a foundation for believing in myself (hint: when I need to believe in myself, I just need to find something I believe in and dedicate myself to that and self-confidence follows).

been blessed repeatedly this year financially. Been able to barely keep my head above water. Focusing on the Blessings now rather than wondering where my next meal's coming from.

depression grabbed hold of me for the majority of the year but now I have a new weapon against it. I look for the payoff of the depression and realize I don't want that and snap, no more depression.

circle of friends expanded greatly then retracted quite a bit.
 
but as we come to the end of the year, I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and looking to improve myself and everything around me.

so here's to 2012. Best Wishes to you and yours.

Blessings.

...and once again my world has turned upside down just in time for NANOWRIMO.

And this year I haven't a clue what I'm gonig to write about. We have roughly 10 days before the start of NaNo and my head is spinning.

Step Dad lost his finger and has been out of work now nearly 3 months.

Mom had open heart surgery (recovering nicely, slowly, but nicely).

Fiance passed away recently. Luckily wedding plans were cancelled long before his passing.

Kitty-sat for three weeks and drove nearly an hour back and forth to work (really love the normal 6 mile commute to work).

Went to Chicago for several weeks for the J.O.B. - worked 17 hour shifts with only one meal break. Being diabetic, that nearly landed me in the hospital. Got many kudos for the best team/best job in the entire district. (Of course, none of the other teams pulled 17 hour shifts.)

Fought with roommate the week I returned from Chicago. Got so bad that I feared for my safety. Took and emergency vacation day from work to look for a new place. Found it and moved out the next day. Still unpacking. No more roommates!!!

Now it's an 11 mile commute.

Haven't found the computer yet. Got to get that set up before Kick-Off.

Going to be another fun-filled whirl-wind NaNo.

So looking forward to it.

Let's make it official:

    



    

Writing "about me," here's the thing,
we think it has a majestic ring,
to keep it short and to the point,
and not wanting to disappoint.
Husband. Father. Writer. Poet.
He left out one thing and didn't know it.
Maybe that's his way of being safe,
of never hurting or being chafed,
to keep his distance and hide behind,
an excuse that keeps him blind,
no need to be held accountable,
when obstacles are insurmountable,
what is that one word he didn't mention,
the one he comes by with such apprehension?
FRIEND.

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

They call me fragile.
Don't really understand why.
Born at 3 pounds, 4 ounces,
and this li'l' cuss fought to survive;
left the hospital 45 days later;
hadn't even heard from my Mum, a lullaby,

I've lived through abuse, rape and neglect,
kept the secret when I was molested
by two different men. Beaten by Mum.
Abandoned by Dad. Real father contested.
Many relationship ruined; friends and lovers alike,
and even came really close once to being arrested.

Too often I find myself in solitude;
spending many a day and night alone,
convincing myself that it really doesn't matter,
often wondering if someone's cut off my phone,
reaching out to others and calling old friends,
wishing someone would throw me a bone,

Fragile is just not a word
someone would use to describe oneself
most things are easy for me to handle
except for spending Christmas by myself,
or being broke at the holidays
or being broke in and of itself

Money is a trigger that sends me swirling
much too close to the eternal abyss,
everything spirals completely out of control,
when groceries don't get bought and payments are missed
so when they insist that I am fragile
maybe it's just me who is amiss,

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

it just angers you further
when your mean and hateful words
no longer bother me

but you say things that you'll wish
you could take back,
the deed is done

and though I'll always love you
and I've forgiven you already
the trust is gone

I'm not a yo-yo you can throw out
and expect to come back
when you're no longer angry

I hope you can forgive yourself
for losing the "love of your life"
before the end

it's time to let go

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

I'm about to start a brand new life,
but yet I'm the same old me,
if I'm about to start everything anew
I must find a lot of integrity,

confrontation, I fight hard to avoid,
and I try really hard not to hurt those I love,
I used to pride myself on brutal honesty
but now that seems to be what I'm most afraid of,

it's now time to be completely honest - with me,
no more half truths, and no more hiding,
and all my justifications are out of the question,
no more struggling and no more fighting,

for it's me I must face in the mirror every day,
to live with myself till I'm old and gray,
it's judgement of myself to which I will dearly pay,
and meaning for my life, only I ultimately have a say.

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

first day of summer
and crazy hot
especially when
works, the AC does not,

tempers flare,
words are said,
and we wish
we were dead,

feelings are hurt,
relationships end,
it's all difficult
to comprehend,

it's time again
to stand tall,
and pretend that it doesn't
matter at all,

regrets are all
a part of life,
so is anger, joy,
fear and strife,

when all we do
is fuss and fight
it's time to say adieu
and head off into the night,

goodbye my friend,
goodbye my lover,
fear not, for I,
shall always recover.

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray

Deeply
Emotional
Prayer
Request
Expressed
Simply,
Sincerely
In hopes
Of getting
Noticed
& instead make a
Stone of my heart
Under all the pressure,
Insides that want to explode
Since things only seem to get worse
Instead of getting better while
Darkness overtakes me and I just want it all to
End.

big black five hunderd dollar MP3 player
turned paperweight
when the cost of fixing my computer
grows higher than the original price,
lost files and downloads and
eighteen months of writing, and more,
stuck on a hard drive with a useless
motherboard,
it's enough to send me overboard;
nuts, crazy, insane and my cheese
slowly slides off my cracker
and makes me want to throw
the damn thing off a cliff

Copyright © 2011 by Shawn Ann Murray